I shouldn’t do this, but…


I wasn’t going to write this post. I didn’t want to give its subject anymore publicity than she’s already had. It drives me mad that papers allow her to fill their pages and people book her for television programmes… However, i can’t read anything about her without getting serious rage, and I’ve allowed myself to get dragged into it. So here we go…

*please note, contains swears*

I’m honestly of the opinion that Josie Cunningham may be the most vile human being to walk the planet today.

If you don’t know who she is, a quick google of some news stories should bring you up to date.

She’s the woman who managed to get a boob job on the NHS, and has used it as a means of trying to be famous since.

She’s the woman who cost the taxpayer thousands of pounds for said operation while denying those in actual need due to her dreams of becoming a model.

She’s the woman who was claiming six thousand pounds a year to take taxis everywhere, claiming that he couldn’t handle taking public transport.

She’s the woman, who, on discovering that she had the chance to go on Big Brother claimed that she was going to have an abortion so that it wouldn’t harm her chances.

She’s the woman who boasted about drinking and chain smoking when she realised that her unborn baby was a boy because she wanted a girl.

She’s the woman who tried to sell DVDs of the birth of her child in shops, and thought she had a deal to distribute them – with Poundland.

She’s the woman who, on hearing that her deal with the discount store had fallen through is selling tickets to the birth of her child for thousands of pounds. For the privilege of being there…

I wish all of that was a joke. I wish any little part of it was.

I don’t know where to begin.

It’s clear for all to see that this ‘lady’ is a stain on humanity. But she’s the kind of stain that our red-top tabloid culture thrives on. While berating her for her ever more ridiculous comments, the same papers claim exclusives and plaster her face across the pages. It’s a vicious circle that will end quickly when everyone grows tired of her bullshit – and the papers will move on to some other bellend with a slightly different yet no more outlandish view on life.

It’s incredible to think that an actual human could consider having an abortion in the hope of being a Big Brother contestant. And it’s even more difficult to fathom upon learning that she’s already got two children. Surely she is in a position to realise just how incredible being a parent is. Surely she looks into the eyes of her children and marvels at the gift she’s been given. Surely no-one – and I mean no-one – could ever value spending a month on Channel 5 over the moment you get to hold your baby for the first time.

And what of the kids she already has? These children must go to school everyday and have to put up with the fact that they are the kids of this moron. How do the other parents act towards them? Do they tell their own children to stay away from them, or are they overwhelmed with pity that these are the offspring of such a colossal dickhead?

As I mentioned, she’s claimed that she smokes and drinks heavily now that she knows her unborn child will be a boy. She claims that she’s not really bothered as she wanted a girl.

I remember the first time I heard my little boy’s heartbeat at the scan she must have had recently. At that point in my life, I’d never been so emotionally overwhelmed. I had tears pouring down my face as we heard the little noise for the first time, and its a sound I’ll never forget. How can something that affected me so profoundly mean absolutely nothing to her?

The ticket saga. The tickets. I may have my figures wrong, but I think she’s selling four tickets at 10k each. Ten. Thousand. Pounds. I don’t what is worse, that she has the gall to do such a thing, or some twat is willing to buy them. For fuck sake. Just watch One Born Every Minute. It’s a wonderful programme filled with warmth and emotion. Watching this tosser give birth does not, by association, mean you are a celebrity. It means you’re a dickhead too. A dickhead with too much money.

Josie Cunningham, in my opinion, should sell tickets to something we’d all enjoy. Like watching her being fired into an active volcano. Like being run over by a steam roller and her eyes popping out in a cartoon fashion like on Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Like her being shot at close range with paintball guns. Like her stubbing her toe getting out of bed then standing on a plug.

I joke of course. I would never wish death or injury on anyone. However I do genuinely hope that she gives birth and has her child taken away from her and given to a family who will love and cherish it throughout its life. And I hope they take the others too so they can enjoy a happy life away from this fame-hungry ballbag who will do or say anything to get her 15 minutes of fame.

I hope, years down the line, her kids are smart, successful and happy, and it has nothing to do with her – while she’s sucking off greasy businessmen in a hotel and telling them – through her Botox-swelled face – about the time she met Phillip Schofield on This Morning.

Although, actually, more so than anything, I hope she realises what an utter fuckbag she has been, apologises to everyone she’s ever met – especially her children – and uses the money that she’s earned from all this twattery to become a good person and a suitable mother.

Even for pond life like her, it’s never too late to make things right.